A List for My Daughters...

So, I've seen a couple of my friends post this on Facebook recently, and it's a REALLY good list.

My girls and I are close.  I hope they know how much I love them, and that I am here for them until the day I die.  They're already strong, confident, smart, beautiful girls.  But I feel like a few reminders from Dear Old Mom can't hurt.

The problem was, I have a few caveats to this list.  And I didn't want to disparage or seem like I was insulting the list's creator.  (SO not the case.  I just wanted to add my own two cents, that's it.)

So I thought I'd paste the list here - you all KNOW how much I love my lists - and add my commentary.

PREFACE:  No offense meant to anyone or anything.  It's just a freaking list.

Feel free to read or pass, comment or not.

Here goes...

= - = - = - =

1. Make your bed every day; even if it's right before you get in it.  I can't remember if I did this as a kid or a young person, but I do try to do it every day as an adult.  Not sure why it makes a difference but it does - for me, at least.

2. Don't wear holey underwear in case you're in an accident and they cut your clothes off.  Look, I have a couple of pairs of holey underwear, and a couple of granny panties (sorry Laurie) for when it's that magical time.  A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... 

3. Travel light through life. Keep only what you need.  I find that this is a product of previous generations, passed down.  IMO.  I find myself having more than I need or want, and since you-know-who made his exit, it's been a little easier to part with the "stuff".

4. Put butter on your biscuit, and twice as much when you miss me.  I don't get this one.  If you miss me, CALL me.  LOL  
5. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt. It’s also okay to smash things; but, wash your face, clean your mess, and get up off the floor when you’re done. You don’t belong down there.  One of the BIGGEST lessons I've learned since the separation.  I am worth SO much more.  We ALL are.  It's ok to be sad for a minute, or to have a bad day.  But shake that shit off and keep moving.  Life is too short.
6. If you’re going to curse, be clever. If you’re going to curse in public, know your audience.  Disagree.  The "F" word is a personal favorite and I use it liberally and I use it every single day.  Sue me.
7. Seek out the people and places that resonate with your soul.  It's better to have a handful of close friends who love you and have your back than to have a million FB "friends".  IMHO, of course.
8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.  AMEN.  Follow your gut.  It's always right.  And don't let someone peer pressure you.  If they do that, they're not your friend.
9. 5-second rule. It’s just dirt. There are worse things in a fast food cheeseburger.  There are worse things in life than dirt.  Trust me.
10. Happiness is not a permanent state. Wholeness is. Don’t confuse these.  We need to have a few rough patches to really appreciate the happiness.  But every day you should LOVE and RESPECT yourself.  If you do that, everything else falls into place.
11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack your bag.  Nah.  Do you.  I keep my crap in my bag.  It's just how I roll.
12. Never walk through an alley.  I don't know about never.  But - NEVER alone.  And never, EVER walk anywhere alone when it's dark.  You're cute and can be stolen easily.
13. Be less sugar, more spice, and only as nice as you’re able to without compromising yourself.  Be who you want to be, as long as it's your true self.  Some people are naturally more spicy.  It would be boring if we were all the same.
14. Can’t is a cop-out.  TRY!  And if you fail, then at least you have a few choices.  Plus, if you fail there's very little that we can't fix or undo.
15. Hold your heroes to a high standard. Be your own hero.  LOVE yourself - everyday and always.  You are a true gift and you're freaking AWESOME!  And just because a person is a celebrity doesn't automatically qualify them as a hero.  They have to earn it.
16. If you can’t smile with your eyes, don’t smile. Insincerity is nothing to aspire to.   And smile every single day!  There is always, always at least one reason to smile in a day.  Even if that one thing is that you made it to bedtime without throat punching anyone.
17. Never lie to yourself.  Personally, I believe that if you have a moral compass, you won't be able to lie to yourself.  Not for very long, at least.
18. Your body, your rules.  TRUTH!  And if someone crosses a line, tell someone.  Anyone.  Don't stop until someone listens.  (P.S.  Mom will ALWAYS listen.  And I will ALWAYS have your back.)
19. If you have an opinion, you better know why.  Be prepared to tell people why.  They will ask.  Know what you stand for.  And don't stand for it just because your BFF stands for it.  Be informed.
20. Practice your passions.  If you love something, do it!  And as often as you can.  If it brings you joy, make it a regular part of your life. 
21. Ask for what you want. The worst thing they can say is no.  I literally say this to you girls all.the.time.  You'll never get a "yes" if you never ask.  Be brave and take the chance.  You'll know when those chances are worth it. 
22. Wish on stars and dandelions, then get to work to make them happen.  Karma is a real and powerful thing.  But don't expect the universe to give you everything.  You have to work.  And the self-pride when you've done it is always worth it in the end.
23. Don’t skimp on good sheets.  I guess I'm not fancy because my sheets come from Target and HomeGoods.  And I sleep fine.  :-)
24. Fall in love often. Particularly with ideas, art, music, literature, food and far-off places.  Your lives as military kids have already been full of adventures.  Don't let that sense of adventure ever stop!!
25. Fall hard and forever in love with yourself.  Love yourself as much as I love you.  Or more - if that's possible.
26. Say Please, Thank You, and Pardon Me, whenever the situation warrants it.  It's amazing how far small gestures of good manners go.  People you meet and share time with will really appreciate it.
27. Reserve I’m sorry for when you truly are.  But when you're sorry, know why.  And be specific.  Acknowledge that your actions have consequences that affect others.
28. Naps are for grown-ups, too.  YES!  And as you get older, you will still need one from time to time.  No shame in that, girls.
29. Question everything except your own intuition.  If you feel something in your gut, that's the universe trying to get your attention.
30. You have enough. You are enough.  You are more than enough - just the way you are.  If someone doesn't believe that, they're not worthy of a place in your life.
31. You are amazing! Don't let anyone ever make you feel you are not. If someone does....walk away. You deserve better.  Treat people the way you want to be treated, and kick to the curb those who don't follow suit. 
32. No matter where you are, you can always go home.  F.O.R.E.V.E.R.  You will always have a home wherever your Mom is.  Always.
33. Be happy and remember your roots.  Remember the people who love you the most and don't take them for granted.  They love you for a reason.
34. Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Passive-aggressiveness is just bullshit wrapped up in pretty paper.  Say the words.  Even if they sting a bit - as long as they're productive.
35. Don’t forget, no one will ever love you more than I do.  You 3 will always be the greatest thing that I ever do in this life.  Many people will love you, but none will leave the same handprint on your heart.

And maybe a couple more, just because they're things that I think are worth noting:

36.  Wash your face every night - and moisturize!  Especially your elbows, feet, knees, face and heels.

37.  Pay yourself first.  In EVERY paycheck you get, put a little away.  Even if it's just $5 sometimes.  That's  better than zero!

38.    ALWAYS have your own bank account.  I wish I had done this when I was married.  There are SO many reasons why.

39.  Try to eat a vegetable every.single.day.  It’ll help your innards, I promise.

40.  Eat all the Mexican food you can before your gall bladder is removed.  Once that’s gone, all bets are off.  Trust me.

Any other advice for my three favorite people?  xoxoxo

❤️  

Dancers and their Dance Moms

I never imagined that Abby would love dance the way she does. My older girls didn't get the dance gene, they are vocal girls.

When Abby was 4 and we lived in Hawaii, she asked me to "...go to ballet school dot com..." and sign her up for a class. I have no idea where the idea came from.  We didn't know anyone taking dance classes except her cousin, living thousands of miles away that we had never actually seen dancing in person.

So I did.  Ballet Hawaii.

She did two years of ballet there, and fell in love.  Ballet is still her favorite genre, even though she now takes approximately 10 hours of dance per week.

This is her first year on a competition team.  It's something new and exciting and scary for both of us.  As I type, she is waiting off stage for the call timefor her first performance.

I know she's not nervous.  It's actually the opposite for Abby.  She finds comfort, joy, peace and true love in dance.  There are 7 girls and one boy on her team, ages 8-11. They are as thick as thieves, all of them.  And the older dancers take them in as well.  When I brought Abby to the dressing room, there were shouts of "Abby!! Abby's here!!" I know that there is no feeling like the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of comraderie, teammanship.  (Is that a word?)

Dance completes her.  Truly.

I can't wait to see her perform.  I can't wait to see her in her element.  The place where she feels at home.

She told me recently - again - that she wants to have a dance-related career.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.  I know that's where she is headed, because I see it in her eyes.  When we talk about dance, when she arrives or leaves the studio, when we are doing anything remotely dance-related.  Her eyes light up and she glows.  It's amazing to watch, and it warms my heart.

I love that girl.  And she's going to kill it today, I know it.

I'll let you know later how she does....

:-)

Having a Kid in College...

image courtesy: www.ohiou.edu

Just an observation, here are some of the things that people don't tell you about having a kid in college:

1.  You will miss that kid like crazy.  Of course, that's a given.  But (sorta) knowing what it was going to feel like and what it actually feels like are so different.

2.  Some days it will make you feel old.  In my case, my kid goes to the same college that I did.  (Yay!)  I could not be prouder of that fact.  It warms my heart that we have yet another thing to bond us together.  But, when she talks about this hall or that event or the dorm (same one that I lived in!), I am instantly teleported back 20 years to my days there.  God, I love that place. 

Then I snap back to reality - yes, it's really been twenty-three years since I lived in that dorm.  Yikes.

3.  College is expensive.  Even state schools where you get in-state tuition (thank God for military clauses).  But then you have to add in room and board, books, spending money, packages, and trips to see your kid or trips for your kid to see you. 

I'm really not complaining.  I love that kid - more than life.  I am SO proud that she's in school.  And I don't care what the cost, as long as she gets a degree.  But dang, kids in themselves are expensive.  When they stop living with you full-time, they get more expensive.  Hopefully that's temporary.  :-)

4.  You will walk by her room one day and be fine, and the next day you'll find yourself sitting on her bed for no reason, tearing up while thinking of her toddler years (again, for no apparent reason).  How the heck did 18 years go by so stinking fast?

5.  An addendum to #4 - Time goes faster with every passing year.  People used to tell me when she was little - "Enjoy your kids.  They grow up fast."  Before I knew it she was 18.  Where did those years go?  I still feel 18 most days!  Ok, well, my body doesn't really feel 18, but my mind does.  That counts, right?

6.  Your pride radiates when you talk about your college student.  I mean, I've always been proud of her.  But I can feel it radiating from my bones when I tell people about my "college girl".  Sometimes I even tear up a little.  I can't help it.  :-)

7.  Your other kids, still at home, become the object of extra hugs - and sometimes extra chores.  It has to be that way.  As the kids get older, they have to help.  At least a little.  There's no way for the house to run with me working full-time unless they pitch in now and then.

8.  I miss that girl.  Love you, Alissa.

It's Just Lighter Brown...

(image credit:  www.naioth.com)

I’ve decided to resurrect the blog I started back in 2008.   Five years ago!  Five!  We’d just moved to a new place:  Hawaii.  So far away from home and loved ones.

The blog started out as a way for loved ones to see what we’d been up to.  To share part of our Hawaii adventure.

Over the next 3 years, it became much more.  It was a friend, of sorts.  When I didn’t have anyone to talk to, or struggled with a situation or a difficult or lonely period in my life, the blog was there.  It allowed me to just write freely, which is something I never really knew I enjoyed.  It gave me a place to work out issues, to share amazing experiences, and to document a part of my life that I never want to forget.

But, we’re not in Hawaii anymore.  Haven’t been for almost 3 years now!  And, the “new” amazing job I got 18 months ago, along with 3 busy children, has left me no time to nurture my blog.  But I realized how much I missed the writing, the time I spent reflecting on events in my life.  I want that back.

I decided to change it.  To start fresh.  I don’t want to forget those Hawaii memories, but we’re not “The Heffners in Hawaii” anymore.

So, here it is:  “It’s My Life…”

Sort of reminds me of that Bon Jovi song that I love, which goes something like:

It’s my life, it’s now or never

I don’t want to live forever

I just want to live while I’m alive

I want to be present, to experience, and to live.  Every day.  As I reached 40 in 2011, I realized that the time for sitting around and dreaming is over.  It’s time to start reaching out for what’s important to me.  It’s time to focus on how to get what I want, and to just do it already.

But, alas, that blog name (and many others) are already taken.  And then, at work yesterday, I heard the best line I’ve heard in a long, long time.  From the copier rep at my school.  He said, “People always think the grass is greener on the other side, but most of the time it’s just lighter brown.”

Amen, brother.  Amen.  And then it came to me.  What a great name for a blog!  J  I’m not trying be negative.  My grass is pretty green right now.  But the name is catchy, yes?  I thought it was.

Let’s start with this.  I’ve seen many younger folks post “30 by 30” and “25 by 25” lists on their blogs lately.  Bucket Lists, I suppose.  Well, that’s a great idea but I am long past 25 and 30.  However, I like the idea of listing the things I want to achieve or change, but I’m thinking of starting a little smaller.

How about “13 for ‘13”?  (Get it – 13 for 2013?)

1.       Lose 20 pounds.  There’s no reason why I can’t.  I started P90X three weeks ago.  Six days a week.  It kicks my butt just about every day.  But I haven’t missed a day, and I “do my best and forget the rest” as the P90X guy says in almost every DVD.  I also signed up for an 8K in Virginia Beach in March.  I want 2013 to be a year of change for me.  Physically, at least.

2.       Go somewhere warm and scuba dive.  I never dreamed in a million years how much I would miss the tranquility of the sea.  If you remember, I was terrified to get certtified.  Now I dream about being there.  We were lucky enough to go to Honduras this past August, but I would seriously love to go on a dive trip every year.

3.       Get IT certified.  I have to get Microsoft certified by summer for my work, but I also want to take the CISSP (Computer security) test in 2013.  I was a security professional for over 6 years.  I have what it takes. 

4.       Put more faith and caring into Tiffany.  People say it all the time – love yourself.  Put yourself first.  Take time to take care of yourself.  Why have I waited so long to do this?  And why is it so hard for me to do?

5.       Complain less at home.  I wish I had more help at home.  Especially without me having to ask, and without the complaining that comes along when I do ask (which isn’t as often as you’d think.)  But, as the mom I know that I have to just suck it up and do what needs to be done to keep our house and family clean, organized, clutter-free and in good shape, without waiting or help or asking for it repeatedly.  Besides, housework is bound to burn off a few calories, right??

6.       Get rid of junk in our house.  We have way too much crap in the basement.  Some of it is legit – holiday decorations, camping gear, military stuff.  But some of it is unnecessary – toddler toys that I can’t bear to part with, hand-me-downs that are 9 years old or more and out of style.  I vow to clear my house of a little clutter.  It will take several sessions, though, to de-clutter it all.  Baby steps, people.

7.       Turn off the TV.  I have actually started getting really good at this.  I find that even shows I don’t care at all about can suck me in for an hour.  An hour of my life wasted.  So I just turn it off.  And I don’t even miss it.  There are like 4 shows that I like – 3 of them are on hiatus until September, and the other one is on past my bedtime (H50), so I DVR it for later.  Besides that, the TV needs to be off more.

8.       Do something for someone else.  I am a Girl Scout leader, but that’s as much for me as it is for the scouts.  I want to find a way to give back.  Even in a small way, if that’s how it needs to be.  A friend of mine at work says that every Sunday her family pays for another random family’s after-church lunch at whatever restaurant they happen to be eating.  What a nice way to pay it forward.  And it doesn’t have to end there.  The possibilities are endless.

9.       Blog at least 2-3 times a week…Even if no one reads it except for me.

10.    Save at least $10,000.  This is a no-brainer.  To do fun things, to pay for college, to have fun with 3 kids, you need $ these days.  And we buy a lot of crap we don’t really need, which is $ I could be saving!  I vow to try to sock away as much $ as I can this year.  $10,000 is the low end.

11.    Exercise or walk 5 days a week.  In Tennessee, I had a great friend (who is still a great friend) that would walk with me for an hour every night.  It was therapeutic.  It was FUN!  My waist got a speck smaller.  And I got to know someone who became a treasure in my life.  I don’t have anyone to walk with right now, but I do have an iPod, and I have 2 working legs.  Reason enough.  Right now I’m committed to P90X until mid-March.  But by then the weather will be warmer and it’ll get dark later, and it would be great to get back out there.  And then I think when summer break starts, I may even consider doing P90X again.  I am serious when I say I’m ready for a physical change.

12.    Stop worrying about the crap that I can’t change.  People keep saying to me that worrying doesn’t make the problems of tomorrow better, it makes today hurt more.  They’re right.  A lot is about to change in the Heffners’ lives in 2013.  A PCS move, maybe a new job, another year of college, maybe some surgery.   I gave my worries to God recently, and asked that he help me with them.  I am amazed at the peace that I feel.  I mean, I still think about those things that I know are coming.  But for the first time in my life, ever, I don’t feel like they’re defining me.  I don’t feel like they’re weighing me down.  I know I will fail sometimes and let the worry in.  But if I can keep it out even part of the time, then I’ve won.  Right??

13.    Tell the people in my house that I love them.  Every.Day.  I am not a touchy-feely person.  I don’t need to hug someone every time they walk into the room.  But I need to appreciate what I have.  It will remind me daily of the blessings that I have, that I never dreamed of having – a successful husband and 3 awesome kids.  I vow to tell them everyday that they’re loved and worth it and that I’m blessed to share space with them.

Sorry for the long post.  I am excited to get started, I suppose.  And glad to be back.  I hope some of you are along for the ride with me.